SAINT JOHN, N.B. — At a press conference this morning J.D. Irving Ltd. announced that they were going to start “folding up operation” of the bilingual province of 751,171 people.
“New Brunswick just didn’t make financial sense anymore,” President Jim Irving told reporters. He cited the province’s poor productivity, constant financial shortfalls, and the fact that almost every single New Brunswicker was due to hit retirement in the next few years anyway as the company’s reasons for shuttering the “beleaguered” institution.
“Jesus, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Premier Brian Gallant. “Guess I’ll have to join my cousins in Fort McMurray. Without this job there’s nothing here for an aspiring young premier.”
Even New Brunswickers not formally employed by the province are losing their jobs. “I thought I’d be fine since I work at Arby’s,” said line cook Darrell Crumps. “But it turns out Irving somehow owns that too.”
While many are shocked at the news, the province’s Irving-owned print media has hailed the move in editorials as “necessary”, “inevitable,” and “genius”.
At press time, Amazon was considering buying New Brunswick to bolster its international same day province-on-demand service.
