Election Profile: Conservative Party Platform - The Beaverton

Election Profile: Conservative Party Platform

Can the Conservatives pull off a fourth mandate? Here’s how they intend on doing it:

Key Beliefs:

Nobody’s business, that’s what

Policy Priorities:

Delivering a budget that is balanced in every respect except for money

Protecting Canada from the inevitable Russian--Long-form census alliance before it’s too late

Ensuring the Finance Department never posts another recession by severely cutting their budget, powers

How they intend to win:

Keeping their aging supporters alive until October 20th.

Hope everyone is too exhausted from all those ‘Fuck Harper’ Facebook posts to actually vote

Specific Plans

Foreign Policy: The Prime Minister could use a few more Israeli bird sanctuaries named after him

Energy: Pipelines for all!

Refugees: Will begin accepting every Syrian refugee whose heartbreaking story gets 10,000 retweets

Childcare: Helping wealthy families tip their gardener with the Universal Child Care credit

Veterans: Who?

Arts: ’s jam band, the Van Cats, will play at your bar mitzvah for half the usual price.

Women: Get Laureen to say more than two consecutive words to Stephen at Sunday dinner.

Plans for the Future:

Federal Election 2019