EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos.
“At first we thought, what could be less healthy than Doritos?” said lead researcher Dave from IT. “Then we noticed that the first ingredient in the Natural Wisdom Bar was ‘Syrup’.”
“Not maple syrup, or even corn syrup, but just, ‘Syrup’.
Other foodstuffs in the ‘healthy eating’ section of the vending machine included a microwaveable curry with 78% of your daily sodium (per half-package serving), a box of crackers made with ‘Real Beef Tallow Emulsion’, and a bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Margarine.
“We strive to give our employees the healthiest options,” said Glenda from HR, eating a Kale Salad delivered from down the street. “That our contracts with the palm oil industry allow us to.”
Glenda added how exciting it was that the vending machine now served ‘whole Doritos’, a real improvement from last year’s bagged Dorito powder.
“Eating healthy is a choice,” said vending machine company spokesperson Jim Lee, “That’s why we’re happy to now give employees the option to buy a lightly used banana for $6.75 from the vending machine in the locked room on the 45th floor.”
At press time, employees were thrilled by a new low-fat, high-protein snack option when they discovered a decomposing rat inside the machine.
