Richmond, VA – Embracing their capitalist roots, Americans have kicked off National Consumer Stampede Day with frenzied riots at department stores across the country.
Thousands of people waited in line for hours for a chance to push, shove, punch, stab, shoot and scald each other for great bargains when doors opened at 12 am.
“National Consumer Stampede Day is how we support America” said Roy Dailuth holding a 50% off Chinese manufactured coffee-maker at a local Wal-Mart. “This is a very sacred day for Americans. This the only day when most us believe in Darwin’s theory that only the strongest will survive.”
At press time, most Americans hope that the useless crap they bought for Christmas presents will be good as the useless crap they will receive.
