TORONTO – Gary Michaels, head of the Toronto Kung-Fu Fan Club, was shocked by the disordered and poorly choreographed mugging he experienced last Thursday night.
“Well first of all, the five of them didn’t surround and menace me for a couple of minutes before attacking,” Michaels said from his hospital bed. “They just tackled me from out of the blue and started smashing my head against the asphalt.”
“I was all, ‘who’s directing this mugging? Takashi Miike?'”
Michaels believes the beating went on for about 20 minutes but admits he blacked out halfway through, likely from “boredom.” Doctors are unsure about Michaels’ condition.
“Based on his behaviour, we’re pretty sure he has some brain damage,” said attending physician Dr. Valerie Prescott. “He wouldn’t stop talking about [celebrated Hong Kong director] Chang Cheh’s contribution to the Shaw Bros. cannon of the 70s and 80s, even after we told him about the internal bleeding.”
In spite of his injuries, Michaels was in high spirits, already anticipating the start of his training montage in preparation for his revenge.
