LONDON – During the closing ceremonies to the London 2012 Olympic games earlier this month, Canada’s Olympic athletes came together to party, pose for group photos and celebrate their time as Olympians. All except for Rosie MacLennan of Toronto, the gold medalist in women’s trampoline, who was forced to stand awkwardly in a corner while her teammates shot her dirty looks whenever they weren’t high fiving each other.
“No, I won’t be talking to Rosie anytime soon,” said 9th place mountain bike rider Christine Pendleton. “She knows what she did.”
“We all made an agreement before we came to London,” explained kayaker Adam Van Koeverden, “Absolutely under no circumstances, would we win an Olympic Gold medal. And she broke the Goddamn rule.”
Van Koeverden pointed to Simon Whitfield’s crash in the triathlon, Jessica Zelinka’s ineptitude at the long jump, and his own silver medal finish as proof of the athletes’ commitment to avoiding gold.
“Do you think, unless I was trying to finish second, that scandinavian string bean who won could have caught up to a guy with these pythons,” he said while flexing his aforementioned pythons.
MacLennan was sobbing with regret by the end of the night. “Its not my fault. Who the fuck thought the Chinese girl would fall on her ass at the end of her performance!”
Unfortunately MacLennan’s treatment appeared to continue in the days following the ceremonies. While she slept her plane ticket back to Canada was removed from her hotel room, and replaced with a note stating “Dear Gold Medallist, why don’t you stay in a country full of people like you!”
Meanwhile a spokesperson for Olympics Canada would not comment on reports they had requested the Anti-Doping Agency double check the results of MacLennan’s drug tests.
“We do not comment on our testing policy for the athletes,” said the spokesperson. “I can acknowledge that Olympics Canada is disappointed in Rosie for getting so ostentatious and demanding that she went for a gold, when a nice 5th or 6th place finish would have been perfectly lovely and more in line with the standard for Canadian summer olympic performances.”
“Gold is just not part of the Canadian Summer Olympic spirit,” she continued.
Though her performance was only a few weeks ago, Maclennan may now be the most reviled Canadian Olympian since Donovan Bailey, the sprinter who horrified the country by winning gold in not only one but two races during the 1996 summer games in Atlanta.
