CALGARY – 23-year-old University of Calgary graduate Jayden Tkachuk expressed relief and excitement this past Monday after checking her email and discovering she’d made it to the sixth round of interviews and first round of bare-knuckle cage fights for an entry-level administrative assistant position at a mid-sized marketing agency.
“This is the first time I’ve ever made it this far,” said Tkachuk, speaking from the childhood bedroom she has been financially unable to escape. “Usually I get knocked out somewhere between the fourth round of interviews and the second round of gladiator-style chariot races. I think if I prepare some thoughtful questions about the company in advance, and if the rules of the cage fight allow eye-gouging, I might have a real chance at escaping from the clenched sphincter of long-term unemployment.”
Employers across a variety of sectors have admitted to using lengthier vetting processes for job applicants as pressures on the job market grow.
“It’s so important to find the right candidate,” said Linda Gillespie, a local HR Director. “Education and experience are just a small part of the puzzle. We need to know: is this person a team player? Are they the right fit for our company culture? Are they desperate enough to completely debase themselves over and over again in exchange for the absolute bare minimum? That’s what we’re hoping to find out.”
“Now, I’ve heard some accusations from young job-seekers that we post fake positions to look good to our investors, and that’s just not the case,” said Gillespie. “Or at least, that’s not the whole story. We post fake positions to harvest huge amounts of data from job applicants – looking good to investors is just an added bonus. The same thing goes for so-called “nepotism”. Yes, the CEO’s nephew is in the running for a job at our company, but he has to go through the cage fight stage just like everyone else. The only difference is that we give him a gun.”
“I’ve also heard accusations that we never get back to job applicants, and that’s just not true,” added Gillespie. “Everyone who makes it to a physical combat stage gets a call back. For instance, the group we released into the Battle Cage four months ago to compete for an entry-level analyst job were all informed by… hmmm. Oh. Oh, no. I need to make a phone call.”
By press time, Jayden had received an additional email from the company informing her that the position had been filled by an internal applicant and had also never existed. The company informed her that her resume would not be kept on file, and would instead be flushed directly down the office toilet.
