WINNIPEG – This week 15 year old Adam Black was sad to realize that his favourite cousin James “DirtBag” Carl had aged from an ultra-cool-free-spirit hipster to an objectively sad and cautionary tale. The epiphany came to Black when he realized that his cousin – now 34 years old – has been tinkering at the same unfinished art projects and living with three roommates for over a decade.
“When I was little I used to think DirtBag was the coolest person in the world,” said Black. “He played bass in a Rush cover band, lived in this big Victorian house downtown, and was working on a screenplay about a group of wizards stealing cars through astral projection. But he’s been doing the same stuff for over ten years and at some point it is like… do you really want to be in your early thirties with an unfinished screenplay while still trying to perfect the solo from Tom Sawyer?”
Black noted that while his other cousins in DirtBag’s age bracket had gone on to do things like own property and have children, his formerly cool cousin seemed trapped in a state of prolonged adolescence aided by chronic pot use.
“Look there is nothing wrong with getting kinda high and making some art,” said Black. “I wanted to try and be a professional artist until I saw what that lifestyle did to cousin DirtBag in the long run. Now I think I’m going to study accounting so I don’t end up with a rotating cast of housemates and no retirement plan.”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if he seemed happy,” added Black. “But he doesn’t even seem to like what he’s doing.”
For his part DirtBag seemed equally unenthused with how his cousin was aging.
“When he was a toddler Adam used to be fun as fuck,” said DirtBag. “But now he’s growing up to be a little narc just like his parents.”