BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain Cristiano Ronaldo to see a single Polaroid of his family.
“The government has kept their promise and has let me see the photo,” said a teary-eyed Ronaldo. “After 100 goals I will get to see my family with my own eyes, and after 200, the nightmare will be over.”
Despite the Real Madrid forward’s impressive goal in minute 80 of the game, Portugal has failed to qualify for the next round of FIFA’s 2014 tournament.
“This will be difficult for Cristiano,” said Portuguese defender Bruno Alves. “After the shootout with Spain in 2012, they killed his cousin. The only thing that keeps him going is the thought of saving Maria and the children.”
While Ronaldo is doubtlessly one of the most skilled players of his generation, the striker has often been criticized for his poor demeanor and history of diving.
“These are ridiculous claims,” declared midfielder Nani. “When an opponent knocks him to the ground, he is weeping for his family. When he misses the target he pounds the earth in grief, for fear that Gabriela may not live to see her tenth birthday.”
When questioned about other options, Ronaldo assured reporters that his only choice is to keep playing. He explained that his loved ones are under constant surveillance, and that the only way to improve their conditions is by getting more sponsorship deals.
At press time, a photo was released showing Ronaldo kissing a small bag around his neck, reported to contain the finger bones of his grandfather.
