TORONTO – Sources inside the 9:55 a.m. university line southbound subway have confirmed that everyone on the car does in fact, smell like shit. “Oh god,” said legal secretary Mary Cook, as …
Local
After 1.2 km jog, local man now understands what Terry Fox went through
MONTREAL – After running a short distance across Old Montreal for the annual Terry Fox Run, Jerry Thompson now completely understands what Terry Fox went through. Thompson, a 42 year-old fa…
As baseball season ends, parents hope steroids won’t harm kid’s academic performance
Shawinigan, QC – The last week of the Mighty Tike baseball season in Shawinigan and the players’ parents are starting to worry that rampant steroid use will impede their children’s school w…
Local man left lost and confused after fiancée takes date of birth off Facebook
MONTREAL – Harry Shield is looking for a gift for his bride-to-be’s birthday, which is next tuesday or wednesday or thursday – ever since she stopped listing her birthday on Facebook,…
Lonely Woman Invents Shitty Boyfriend
VICTORIA, BC – Tired of her friends’ relationship conversations dominating group outings, local copywriter Ashley Tanner, 25, recently invented a distant and generally disappointing signifi…
Schoolboy prepares for return to school by making up name of girl he kissed at camp
Thetford Mines, PQ – This has been a big summer for Timmy Nolan, who kissed a girl for the first time, or so he plans on telling his friends. Nolan, 10, bet his friends that this would be t…
Local woman packs running shoes to give illusion of exercise during vacation
London, ON – In preparation for her week long trip to Paris, a woman has packed her New Balance runners to give her the fantasy that she will actually be doing exercise during her trip. “I …
Everyone on camping trip thinks they know what poison ivy looks like
ALGONQUIN, ON – Last weekend, a group camping trip set out with all five members believing they had the ability to quickly and accurately identify poison ivy. “Poison ivy? Don’t even worry …
90-year old skydiver stays at home on birthday
HAMILTON – Having cheated death on 2674 skydiving attempts, 90-year old skydiver Jacqueline Dupray had no interest jumping out of a plane on her birthday. The regular skydiving instructor at Anci…
Memory foam mattress never lets local man forget
GREY COUNTY – Despite constantly trying to distract himself from what happened during that portentous night of November 17, 1996, Owen Sound resident Gabriel Tougas’ polyurethane matt…
