TORONTO – Third year theatre student Braydon Stamkos has revealed to his family and friends that he could no longer lie by omission and revealed that he is straight. “For too long, I have b…
Local
Archaeologists discover ancient subway buried beneath Toronto
THE LOST CITY OF TORONTO – Archaeologists from Simon Fraser University have uncovered the remains of an ancient transportation system below the surface of Canada’s largest settlement, in wh…
Cannibal angry about lack of humanitarian options on menu
OTTAWA – After being refused human meat at a local restaurant, neighbourhood cannibal Frank Willis is charging that nearby eateries are discriminating against a lifestyle choice that emphas…
Study: everything organic when the regular garbage doesn’t have a bag in it
TORONTO – A new study by the University of Toronto has confirmed citizens’ long held belief that, if the regular garbage bin has no bag, all the refuse in your house has become organi…
Report: oh fuck, the patio furniture!
ETOBICOKE, ON – Yesterday, scientists reported that oh my God, the patio furniture has just been sitting out there all winter, and dammit, it’s probably at least half ruined. Reached for co…
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, claims local man who looks like shit
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Staving off sleep with endless cigarettes, energy drinks and cups of coffee, local man Jonathan Cross claims that he does not need to rest yet, despite the fact that he lo…
Police dog suspended after profiling several cats
TORONTO – A member of Toronto’s Police Dog services unit has been given a two week suspension with kibbles after being accused of species-profiling several neighbourhood cats. When Internal…
Stereotype saves man from several seconds of critical thinking
REGINA – A local business man has saved himself 8 seconds of critical thinking after quickly using a contemptuous stereotype to avoid any empathy for a fellow human being’s situation Karl L…
Local woman successfully shaves spot just behind the ankle
MONTREAL — Over this past weekend, Claire Powell, 23, celebrated a stunning personal achievement when she successfully reached that tricky section of skin just behind the ankle while shavin…
Record winter leaves old people unable to boast about winters when they were young
CANADA – The coldest winter in more than two decades has left Canada’s elderly scrounging for ways to make themselves seem hardier than today’s youth.weather “When I was a boy, the winters …
