CRANBROOK, BC – After being reminded by Facebook of a birthday, local man Terrance Otis placed very little effort into wishing his distant friend a happy birthday. Otis, 24, simply used the…
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English teacher in critical condition after splitting her infinitive
TORONTO – Lois deWitt, a Toronto-area English teacher, is in critical condition after she separated her infinitive this past week. “To tear your infinitive, when not a trained professional…
Irish orphans used in Heritage Minute still waiting to be adopted
QUEBEC – Despite their pleas for foster parents, the Irish orphans used as actors in a popular Heritage Minute have yet to find a loving home. “We were promised a mom and dad,” said Molly J…
Best book local man has ever read is only book he’s read since high school
KAMLOOPS, B.C. – Calling it “incredible”, “well-paced”, and “totally unique”, local man Tim Murphy has named Kathryn Stockett’s The Help as the best book he’s ever read. “It’s amazing becau…
Report: Stagecoach road trip was a terrible idea
MONTREAL — College friends Steve Bolan, Mark Cho and Doug Guinty reported yesterday after completing a road trip from Toronto to Montreal that taking on 700 kilometres of carefree highway would h…
Happy couple gives birth to increased carbon footprint
HAMILTON – A delighted Chantal and Martin Derevoix welcomed a brand new resource consuming, tax on the environment into the world yesterday. Weighing 7lbs and named Typhany, the increase in…
Sexy teens pretty sure axe-wielding maniac dead for good this time
CAMP DIAMOND RIVER, ONTARIO – Confident that the axe wielding maniac who has terrorized them over the past 34 hours is definitely dead this time, following a struggle that saw him shot mult…
Local man dumped for Ryan Gosling .gif
TIMMINS, ON – Timmins resident, Gary Ramsey, was dumped by his girlfriend of 10 months after she found a superior partner in an animated .gif of Ryan Gosling. “Amanda [Gehry] doesn’t know w…
Local couple replaces sex with Netflix
TORONTO – Local couple Mark Lui and Shelby Hollande have begun substituting sex with streaming film and television on Netflix. Said 32-year-old Shelby, “When we first moved in together 5 ye…
Breaking: 4 stabbed in downtown Hamilton, probably
HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today. “I don’t want…
