OTTAWA – New ground was broken for women in Canada this week, after a team of heroic journalists and politicians convinced a woman groped by the Prime Minister to publicly identify herself following days of unrelenting scrutiny and badgering to publicly identify herself.
“This is a real win for feminism,” said long-time Conservative voter Greg Johnson, in his first-ever use of the word feminism without air-quotes. “The #metoo movement is about respecting women, and respecting women is about making them share details from every uncomfortable situation they’ve been in with the entire country.”
Rose Knight reluctantly confirmed that the incident happened 18 years ago, but declined to comment further. Denise Kim, a reporter with CBC, was quick to thank Knight for her statement: “We need people brave enough to speak truth to power. And we especially need journalists brave enough to constantly call, email and stand outside the house of someone until they give in and speak truth to power.”
”We can no longer allow women who face sexual misconduct to be silenced.” added Kim, wiping away a tear. “And we can definitely not allow them to choose to remain silent. Now all the people out there who’ve been inappropriately touched by future Prime Ministers at music festivals will know that it’s both safe and mandatory for them to come forward.”
“What’s most important here is that this woman’s story was told,” said Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer, grinning and holding a printout of Trudeau’s approval ratings. “We believe women. Especially when those women are saying our major political rival is kind of a creep.”
At press time, Jagmeet Singh and Andrew Scheer are suddenly very aware of where they put their hands.