For many new parents, one of the biggest stresses of bringing home their little bundle of joy is making sure that their home is safe. The home is a nightmare of hazards, from knives, to bathtubs, to your collection of action figures just begging to be taken out of their original packaging. But what if you were going about it all backwards? Here are some amazing life hacks for you to baby-proof your home by using a tried and true method: Birth control.
Instead of using rubber tips on the corners of tables to avoid head injuries, simply use a rubber tip over the male partner’s penis before sexual intercourse, thus preventing the child from being conceived in the first place. You can buy these at any drugstore, corner store, or grungy nightclub men’s room. Sometimes they’re just handed out for free by the government! Just ask for “penis rubber safety sheaths.”
Many parents use wall socket covers to prevent their children from sticking their tiny fingers in the electrical outlets. But did you know, instead of using outlet covers, you can keep a TV plugged in there 24/7? That way you and your partner are far too tired from binging Netflix to ever have sex? One moment you’re in the mood, the next you realize another episode of Stranger Things is auto-playing and the potential for life to begin is snuffed out before ever coming into existence.
The bathroom is one of the most dangerous places for a child. There are hundreds of children taken to the hospital each year after getting into the medicine cabinet. To prevent this from ever happening, potential mothers should take care to place pills, especially ones regulating progesterone levels tricking the body into thinking it’s constantly pregnant, directly into their mouths once a day or as prescribed. I’m sure you’ll find the complete lack of children in the household makes it very hard for them to imperil themselves by mistaking pharmaceuticals for candy.
We hope these helpful tips will save you time, money, and keep your child free from harm, by making sure they’re never born.