Published in U.S.

Tension leading up to US elections turns out to be mostly sexual

Monday, 05 November 2012 12:34 Written by 
Tension leading up to US elections turns out to be mostly sexual Photo: Licenced by DepositPhotos.com
WASHINGTON - In what is being called the largest ever release of pent-up sexual energy, both Democratic and Republican voters engaged in a nation-wide orgy to relieve some of the intense emotions associated with the coming 2012 election.

"I think it was supposed to happen," said Aneta Kirby, an Obama supporter, while disentangling herself from a group of sleeping Republicans. "Arguing on political blogs and screaming at each other at rallies was fun, but there was never any resolution. We needed a climax. And then after we rested for a few minutes we needed another climax with a different partner."

Some observers are even hoping the excessive fornication will help America resolve its contentious partisan system.

"Sure I’m pro-life," said half-naked 63-year-old Arnie Haemake, who is planning to vote Republican, "but when you've engaged in as many unprotected sex acts as I have over the past four hours you really start to see the benefit of Planned Parenthood.”

The orgy began after a heated mock debate at UCLA, winding it’s way up the West Coast before crossing the Rockies and sweeping through the heartland, with swing states being among the hardest hit. Political analysts say that, in hindsight, all the warning signs were there.

"Whenever someone spends millions of dollars running attack ads across all media forms you can be sure that it isn't just about the politics," said a sweaty Arianna Huffington as she scissored with Ann Coulter.

At an impromptu press conference, President Obama addressed the media about the long-term effects of the orgy while hastily tying his silk bathrobe. “The situation is under control, I have given FEMA the funds necessary to conduct thorough clean up efforts across the nation, and Imperial Tobacco and Phillip Morris have generously offered to distribute cigarettes to needy citizens. I am confident that America will emerge from this as an even more perfect union,” said the President before retiring to the Lincoln bedroom with Michelle and his Republican opponent, Governor Mitt Romney.

When asked if Canada should be concerned that the orgy will find its way across the border, Peter Kent instructed Canadians to remain calm. Kent did acknowledge the recent sighting of 40-50 Quebecois students fornicating on the Vermont border, but assured the nation that it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Last modified on Thursday, 07 March 2013 17:34