Published in National

David Suzuki goes on weeklong pollution bender

Friday, 18 January 2013 15:51 Written by 
CAPE ST MARY, NL - Canadian environmentalist David Suzuki, known for his activism on global climate change, was discovered earlier this week passed out near a private jet in Cape St. Mary's Ecological Reserve in Newfoundland, following a week-long pollution bender.

“Uhhhnnn, what have I done?” a confused and very haggard looking Suszuki reportedly said after waking up next to former British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. “Where am I? Why is Tony next to me? Oh no, it’s happened again”

According to sources close to the 72-year-old Vancouver resident and advocate for environmental responsibility, Suzuki had met with friends from his college days last Friday night. At one point in the evening when he couldn’t find a trash-can for his falafel wrapper, Suzuki was coerced into tossing it onto the sidewalk, setting the stage for the kind of massive pollution bender that, as Suzuki would be the first to say, will one day help bring on the planet Earth’s demise.

“I think I poured oil into a lake,” the disoriented Suzuki said while scanning through photos on a digital camera. “Oh god, there I am dumping batteries in a salmon hatchery to increase their mercury content.”

Within hours of embarking on his bender, witnesses reported seeing Suzuki joyriding a Hummer down the Trans-Canada Highway while spraying aerosol cans out the window.

“I think he even had the air conditioning on,” said a shocked Trisha Dawes.

But Suzuki’s actions only escalated from there, culminating in him personally lobbying the Harper government for further exploitation of Canada’s oil sands while drinking from a plastic bottle of water.

Scientists have scrambled to gauge the implications of the bender. “We’re still not exactly sure what the impact of Suzuki 2012 will be on the long term health of the environment,” said Dr. Marvin Gruen of the Sierra Club. “Unfortunately the guy who might be able to answer that question the best is sleeping off a pretty brutal coal hangover right now.”