According to a memo titled “Plan to Destroy Canada: 7 Easy Steps” found in Péladeau’s secret bunker underneath Mont Tremblant , the first phase of his plan involved using his control of Quebec’s newspaper industry and the Sun News Network in the rest of Canada to foment linguistic tensions.
“Puppets like Ezra Levant and Brian Lilley will create false language controversies that will make it easier for the rest of Canada to despise Quebec,” the memo explains. “At the same time, the Québécois media’s fear-mongering about creeping bilingualism and the threat posed by Muslim women to Quebec’s cultural heritage will undermine the province’s support for federalism.”
Phases three to seven of Péladeau’s diabolical plan include an unfortunate accident involving Pauline Marois and falling overpass concrete, taking over the premiership, bribing union bosses with free cable, winning a sovereignty referendum and becoming King of Quebec.
At press time, Péladeau was overheard saying that after his electoral victory, he would look to own the maple syrup racket before breaking out into an uncontrollable raucous cackle.